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There! Right There! Lyrics

ELLE
There! Right There!
Look at the tan, well-tended skin
Look at the killer shape he's in!
Look at the slightly stubbly chin
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay

CALLAHAN
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay, I say not gay

DEFENSE TEAM
That is the elephant in the room
Well it is relevent to assume
That the man who wears perfurme
Is automatically radically fay?

EMMETT
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks!

ELLE
Look at his silk translucent socks!

CALLAHAN
There'ss the eternal paradox:
Look what we're seein'...

VIVIENNE
What are we seein'?

CALLAHAN
... Or European

ELLE
Of coarse he's gay!

CALLAHAN
Is he gay...

DEFENSE TEAM
Ohhhh...

DEFENSE TEAM & CALLAHAN
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay of European?

WARNER
Well hey, don't look at me!

VIVIENNE
You see they bring their boys up diff'rent
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports

DEFENSE TEAM
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say thing like "ciao bella"
While they kiss you on both checks

ELLE
Oh please

DEFENSE TEAM
Gay or European?
So many shades of grey

WARNER
Depending on the time of day,
The French go either way

DEFENSE TEAM & CALLAHAN
Is he gay or European?
Or...?

ENID
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk
Senn it on every guy at work
That is a metro het'ro jerk
That guy's not gay
I say no way

ALL
That is the elephant in the room
Well it is relevent to presume
That a hottie in that costume

VIVIENNE
Is automatically radically...

CALLAHAN
Ironically chronically...

ENID
Certainly flirtin'ly...

WARNER
Genetically medically...

ALL
Gay! Officially gay!
Swishily gay gay gay gay...
Damnit!
Gay or European?

CALLAHAN
So stylish and relaxed

ALL
Is he gay or European?

CALLAHAN
I think his chest is waxed
VIVIENNE
But they bring their boys up different there
It's cultur'lly diverse
It's not a fashion curse

ALL
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code

BROOKE
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed

ALL
Huh
Gay or European?
So many shades of grey...

JUDGE
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday

MEN
Is he gay?

WOMEN
Or European?

MEN
Gay?

WOMEN
Or European?

MEN & WOMEN
Gay or Euro...

EMMETT
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try

CALLAHAN
The floor is yours

EMMETT
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?

MIKOS
2 years

EMMETT
And your first name again is...?

MIKOS
Mikos

EMMETT
And your boyfriend's name is...?

MIKOS
Carlos

ALL
(Gasp!)

MIKOS
Sorry, I misunderstand! You say "boyfriend?"
I thought you say "best friend." Carlos is my "best" friend

CARLOS
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples
I have a big announcement
This man is Gay and European!

ALL
Whoa!

CARLOS
And neither is disgrace!

ALL
Oh!

CARLOS
You've got to stop your bein'
A completely closet case
ALL
D'oh!

CARLOS
It's me, not her he's seein'
No matter what he say
I swear he never ever ever
Swing the other way! You are so gay
You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret

MIKOS
I'm straight!

CARLOS
You were not yesterday
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!

ALL
And European!

CARLOS
He's gay!

ALL
And European!

CARLOS
He's gay!

ALL
And European and Gay!

MIKOS
Fine okay I'm gay!

ALL
Hooray!

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